Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Attention! Attention! You're a bad mom.

Everywhere I look I see articles about what I'm doing wrong. What to do, what not to do, what I should be doing, or what I'm doing that is going to land my kid in therapy in 15 years. Didn't you know that you all are doing it wrong? Or at least that is what some people want you to believe.

Seriously. This very morning you might have said something to start the decline of your child's mental health. If you told them they looked cute or that they needed to hurry up because everyone is running late, RED FLAGS are flying everywhere. Didn't you know that you are scarring them for life?! Well at least according to this article about "seemingly harmless things" we say to our kids.

Or this article right here. You should never, ever, ever tell your kids that you are proud of them. Apparently that is BAD. So is telling them not to worry and that everything will be okay. You are setting them up for disaster with that one too, I guess.

Oh, and if you are not buying everything organic, you obviously want your precious little child's body to be filled with toxins. If you can't buy organic, for shame. But you can at least grow your own veggies and fruits. It's easy peasy. Spend days, or weeks, cultivating your garden. Then wait ALL SUMMER LONG to harvest those crops. And get just enough for one giant salad.

This article is also guilt-inducing super helpful. You should never, under any circumstances, give your kids cereal, granola bars, or juice boxes. They are all BAD BAD BAD. Instead whip up homemade protein bars and smoothies. I'll get right on that as soon as I finish my full work day, 3 loads of laundry, two softball games, and baths. And also after I pry this snack cake out of my 3 year old's hand. Oh, and don't you DARE order a damn pizza. Ever. It's like poison. You should only make homemade ones. If you order take-out, you obviously don't care about your kids' health. You clearly want them to be obese, unhealthy, and full of genetically modified ingredients.

Now before all you "good moms" bash me, I want to be clear that I feed my children a healthy diet and I buy organic when I can. I order pizza every now and then...and I make it, too. I try to raise confident, independent, smart, happy, healthy children. But I also tell them to hurry up when I am running late, like every single day.

This mom right here (I'm talking about me) wants to say ENOUGH is ENOUGH. I refuse to feel guilty about my choices. I do the very best that I can, and as long as you are doing that too, it's all good.

Now excuse me while I go order a pizza.

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Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Maybe I'm not cut out for this - My Messy Beautiful

Have you ever had one of those days when you think...Maybe I'm not cut out for this mom thing?

Like seriously.  You are sitting there looking at your adorable kids and you think that this is way harder than anyone ever told you.

There are NO breaks.  The needs and wants and requests are endless.  Your sweet little children who were once innocent babies are screaming at each other and telling you that they wish the other one wasn't born.  Nothing is fair.  Nothing is easy.  Some days there is conflict 90% of the time...and the 10% that is peaceful consists of you just waiting for the peace to end but hoping it will last for just a few blissful moments longer.

Sometimes you sit and look at your one, two, three, four...or even more children and you think...hmmmm, I don't remember signing up for this job.

That's the real kicker right there.  It isn't a job.  It's not something you can quit.

It's a choice.  A privilege.  A gift (even though YES, sometimes you wish it came with a gift receipt).  It's something that you will most likely look back on with fondness...and you will want to remember it all.

Picture this.  You just called your kids "jerks".  (Ahem...not that I have ever done that.  Lord, no.)  You have flown off the handle.  You have given yet another lecture on how there are children in this world who NEVER get the special things they get and that you are sick of them being unappreciative.  You have told them to clean their rooms, yet you are the one sitting there doing all of the cleaning while dropping f-bombs under your breath.  Or out loud.  Hey, I won't judge.  The kids are watching home videos of Christmas 2010 and your 4 year old starts crying because her sister got a better gift than her...OVER TWO YEARS AGO.  And you are seriously questioning where the hell you went wrong.

Guess what?  THAT'S OKAY.

It's fine to get annoyed with your kids.  It's okay to question your choices.  It's perfectly acceptable to get pissed off...because I'll be damned if this gig isn't some 24/7 hard ass work.

It is exhausting and anyone that tells you otherwise IS A LIAR. 

But you are doing fine.  You can always, always, always try again.  And you can try to be better.  You ARE cut out for this mom thing.  If you aren't sure about that, give your kids the option to move out and see what they say. (Ahem...not that I have done that either.)

I bet they don't want to move out though.  I bet that the only mom they want is YOU.

Because you are doing just fine and they will never remember the day you called them jerks. Or at least I hope not.



This essay and I are part of the Messy, Beautiful Warrior Project — To learn more and join us, CLICK HERE! And to learn about the New York Times Bestselling Memoir Carry On Warrior: The Power of Embracing Your Messy, Beautiful Life, just released in paperback, CLICK HERE! 

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Monday, April 7, 2014

Ten Tips for Taking Selfies

I was looking through the pictures on my phone this weekend and saw that I had many, many, many selfies gone wrong.  After years of practicing the fine art of selfies, I thought maybe I could share some veteran tips with all 5 of my loyal readers.

First, let me share the selfies I took when I finally recieved my shipment of "I Just Want to Be Alone" books. I was so excited that I took my pics right then and there.  Even though I was dressed for the gym.


Tip 1: Keep your damn eyes open.


Tip 2: Try not to make a fake "Look how excited/surprised I am" face. It is just creepy. And unattractive.


Tip 3: Again, DON'T try the fake excited look. I thought this was important and warranted repeating.


Tip 4: Just go with the least unflattering picture you can.  If you are dressed for the gym, this might be as good as it gets.  (Bonus tip: Use an Instagram filter to even skin tone.)

That book right there ^^^? Yep, that one.  It is available on Amazon (paperback or Kindle) or Barnes & Noble (paperback or Nook) or on iTunes. Click the version you want and order away!!!


Tip 5: A little eye makeup never hurt anyone, right? Geez. Note to self: put on some mascara before taking a selfie.

Oh, and that book ^^^ is also available to purchase! Click HERE to find out where to order.


Tip 6: If you have kids, take selfies with them. People love that crap. But make sure your share these tips with them. Because as you can see, kids usually shut their eyes. Every damn time. Try, try again. (And by attempt #14, your kid will probably be having a meltdown, but don't give up. It's all for the selfie.)

Tip 7: Catch yourself at the most flattering angle. The one above is what your want to avoid. I'll talk more about this later, as this is the MOST important factor in taking a decent selfie.


Tip 8: Again, selfies with kids are great. And if you are having one of those "I feel bloated" days, use your kids as your cover. Especially if they are dressed like Jessie/Strawberry Shortcake.


Tip 9: Don't be afraid to try a sultry pose. That's what I did here. What? You don't think that's me???

Tip 10: Finally, the MOST important tip is getting the right angle. The pictures below speak for themselves.

DON'T!!!

MUCH BETTER!

If you buy or already bought a copy of "I Just Want to Be Alone", take a selfie with the book and post in on my Facebook wall!!!!

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Wednesday, March 26, 2014

FEMA/NFPA Fire Safety Videos

I had the opportunity to review some Fire Safety Videos from the fabulous website WeAreTeachers.com and I could have sat there and watched them myself and rambled on and on and on about how great they are (because they are)...but I had a better idea.

The videos are made for children ages 4-9...and what do you know?  I have a 5 year old and an 8 year old right in my very home that must do as I say.  How convenient.

So I told asked them to sit down and take a little look at the short videos.  Guess what?  They liked them!  They sat through the whole video both times. My 5 year old even laughed a few times.

You can watch the videos here:
Little Roslie by SteveSongs:
YOUTUBE: http://bit.ly/1fl8fox
SCHOOL TUBE: http://bit.ly/1q79yWQ

What's That Sound? by Recess Monkey:
YOUTUBE: http://bit.ly/1ds71A9
SCHOOL TUBE: http://bit.ly/1icEHq0

Both songs/videos are great! I would definitely use them in my classroom if I taught younger students but since the 5th and 6th graders I teach are a little older, I can only go by what my own children thought. And they gave the videos two thumbs up!

For all of you teachers or homeschoolers (I know a few...and more power to you! I don't know how you do it!!!), you can check out Sparky's Schoolhouse for lessons to go with the videos. I actually did one with my 5 year old and she really liked it. It was a lesson that went the the Little Rosalie video where she had to order the events (from 1 to 4) of what to do after the fire alarm sounds.  This lesson is great for children from Pre-K to 1st grade! You can find the lesson here.

I HIGHLY recommend these videos as a fun and entertaining way to teach a super important topic. ALL children must know about fire safety...so go ahead and show them these videos. Who knows, it could save their lives!


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Disclosure: I was compensated for this review/post.  However, ALL opinions are my own. Fire safety is serious, yo. Check out these videos for your little ones.  Trust me!

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

How to Keep the Home Fires Burning

If you are looking for tips on how to have a successful marriage, you came to the wrong right place. If there is one thing I know, it's how to keep the home fires burning. Just ask my husband. Wait, don't ask him. Just trust me.

So here are my TOP 10 tips on how to succeed in love and marriage:

10.  Pay no mind to people bragging about their significant others on Facebook.  It's all Lies.  LIES, I tell ya.

9.  If you wake up first, make the damn coffee.

8.  If your spouse is sick, sleep on the sofa. Don't just keep complaining about how my their coughing is keeping you up all night. I am They are sick, for God's sake. Man up and sleep somewhere else.

7.  Remember: It's cheaper to keep her.

6.  Talk about stuff other than the kids. Like bills, necessary home repairs, and politics. No...wait.  Maybe just talk about the kids.

5.  Have friends. The fact that my friends allow me to whine and complain incessantly really saves my marriage some days.

4.  Admit you are wrong, even if you think you might be right. You can always rehash the whole argument in a month anyway.

3.  Like a good bra, be supportive.

2.  It's okay to go to bed mad...because if not, you will stay up all night fighting and then be even more angry and tired. And that helps no one. Trust me, just go the eff to bed.

And #1? Drumroll please...

1.  BUY OUR BOOK, I Just Want to Be Alone. 

Honestly, this is the best marriage advice I can give.  Buy it now...because it's available TODAY!



But wait...you can WIN it. Like, for free! And I will mail it to you!!!! And not only will you win the book...you will also win a $25 Amazon gift card!!!!!

SO enter below.  The giveaway starts today and ends on April 7th! Good luck!!!!

a Rafflecopter giveaway
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